English will be first telepaths

Some recent research has suggested that the English will be the first humans to develop telepathy as a means of personal communication. Telepathy experiments have tried to prove that 'Dogs know when you are about to return home', 'you know who is on the phone before you pick it up' and 'sensing when someone is staring at you'.

Telepathy experiments using Ganzfeld methods aim to reduce cognitive or environmental noise through a mild form of sensory deprivation - such as wearing headphones and half ping pong balls over your eyes, have been used for testing the subjects. However the perfect testing place for this is on the packed commuter trains of England where there is a great deal of minor sensory depravation and I predict this will be the ground where the first telepaths bloom in the epic struggle to get to work. Many major breakthroughs in science are made during times of adversity and 8am to 9am is a prime time of adversity in England. Telepaths will start to flourish as the congestion charge goes up and personal space on the tube becomes a tradable commodity. Suddenly all those tiny voices crying out will start to be heard.

No longer will you have to be too embarrassed, or worried about getting a knifing, to tap someone on the shoulder and ask them to turn their iPod down a tad because hearing Morrissey’s mournful lyrics may be just enough to tip you over the edge. No more will you have to suffer the indignity of some spatially unaware bimbo shouldering her designer fake D and G handbag in your face as she stands next to your seat texting her mates about last nights bingeing. You will be mentally able to 'tut' them. Initially telepathy could be un-attributable - like shouting without moving your lips- so you could telepathically urge people to open the window as it is so hot standing up by giving a quick burst of "hey fat woman in the unattractive stretchy light blue halter-neck top - open the window as it is too hot for those standing - and while your standing up pull your skirt out of your undies".

Come on England. (There is more but only receivable by my fellow telepathetic commuters).

Posted by Simon at June 7, 2006 1:31 PM

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